It’s been a wild few weeks (couple of months). Wild enough, I guess, that I haven’t bothered to post much of anything other than sermons… probably because that’s all I’ve done worth noting. October started with bang as I got to do the wedding for a childhood friend. Then just a few weeks later, my mother-in-law had a lumpectomy. Then I got the swine flu, and was pretty much bed ridden for two weeks. Then a birthday. Then Thanksgiving (with not only my parents but my inlaws too… no disasters on my “First” Thanksgiving!). And then, guess what. I was sick…again. I’ve been nauseated for two weeks (and despite what my church members think, I’m not pregnant.) I missed one Sunday when I had to go home because I was er…tossing my cookies. Then this Sunday, I barely made it through the service because I was so dizzy and nauseated. I feel sick of heart because I feel like I’m letting my church down because I can’t be and do everything I want to do. Sometimes, I can’t do much of anything, in fact. I know they waited for a pastor for a really long time, and I want to be and do everything they dreamed of.
I’m headed toward burn-out, at which point I’ll be thoroughly useless. My friends tell me so. My husband and parents say so. The executive presbyter said so. And today, a church member even said so. (Which I really appreciate– the fact that folks want to care for me, even when I’m reluctant to care for myself.) I talked to a dear mentor who, recalling his days as a young pastor, said “I can remember the day when I said to myself ‘I’m going to make that church go’. So I did just that– had meetings and took on new projects–and did my best to make it go.” While really helpful to hear, I’ve never quite said that to myself. It just seems like if the church is to grow and be “successful” (whatever that is), there is a lot of work to do. As my husband loves to quote, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.” So I’ve been trying different things, and daring to hope for different results. Where is the balance? What I can’t figure out is how to do so many things for the church (that need to be done if we want to grow), and still have any time to be a wife, and a writer, and a runner (or any of the other things I remember loving to do.) I’d sure love to hear any thoughts folks have…
Being sick has had a few advantages, in that I’ve gotten to snuggle with my puppies (who look at me like, “oh yeah. We remember you– you used to be fun.”), and too, I’ve had some time to think about some things.
I’m finally realizing a few things (in no particular order)
1. I’m not superwoman, or even as super as I used to think.
2. I’m a workaholic–despite all my professions otherwise. It’s not that I mean to, it’s that there always seems to be sooooo much to do.
3. I don’t really know how to relax.
4. If given the choice, I think I’d push and push and do and do– even at the expense of all the things I think are fun and soul-filling.
5. I’m really tired of being sick.
6. I’m no good to anyone when I’m sick and out of commission.
7. My body is going to behave in a way that directly relates to how I treat it.
One of my church folks begged me to cancel our Tuesday night study until after Christmas. I feel like I’m letting the church down, but on the upside, I have a few hours before the session meeting tonight. My initial thought was to work on the sermon, or bulletin, or powerpoint or any of the other things I should be doing, but I’m trying really hard to resist the urge to do those things. If the weather will hold off, I think I’m going to take my puppy for a walk (which I think would make me feel better, and ward off some of the gloomies I’ve been feeling.) After that, maybe I’ll read, and knit, and pick out Christmas goodies to bake on my day off (which might finally help it feel like Christmas.) Besides, if I have a plan for my day off– maybe I can convince myself that that’s better than filling the day with work. Tonight, I think, I’m going to ask the session what I can do to cut back a little. Maybe.
Under the Steeple...and dreaming 